watch that dream boat sail away

Fact: French fries are best with barbeque sauce.
Fiction: Mixing tomato ketchup and a packet of Fit Brand Sweet & Sour sauce will create an effective barbeque sauce substitute.
Fact: Mixing tomato ketchup and a packet of Fit Brand Sweet & Sour sauce will make you throw up in your mouth a little bit and you may start to cry.
Fiction: Throwing up in your mouth a little bit and starting to cry is becoming of an adult in a professional environment.
Fact: I hate my job.

This just in

Your world breaks my heart.




I wish I were in it.



They're all so clean and dressed so nicely.

On Shopping at Aldi

You have visions of your post-graduate life, in your hip studio apartment, emptying out your reusable wholefoods bags and stocking your fridge with fresh veggies, faux-meat and bottles of wine. You don't picture your messy two-bedroom, your no-time-to-write and your notices from Northwestern Medical Center telling you it's about damn time you paid for your E.R. trip that resulted in a diagnosis of "maybe you're farty."

Maybe if I'd worked harder, or at all, I would have a different life in Chicago. One that involved boutiques, organic food and self esteem...

But alas, my slackerdom and its repercussions have followed me into my almost-adulthood.


When you shop at the Uptown Aldi, you learn to appreciate the unexpected. Will the man in the alley call me a bitch or a devil today? Will anything crawl out of the nectarine pile and bite me?

At Aldi, the surprises are what keep you coming back.

In the past week, I got some unexpected gifts in my Aldi purchases: one solitary hunk of pineapple in a jar of spaghetti sauce, two shreds of mozzarella and one french cut green bean in an Asian inspired frozen entree, and an unpoppable bag of microwave popcorn.

We don't just need a public option for healthcare, John Mackey. We need a public option for grocery shopping.

Are You There God? It's Me, America

America. Oh sweet, adolescent America. We love you, but it's hard. Sometimes you're a bitch. Sometimes you run upstairs and slam your door and listen to shitty music. Sometimes you pick fights and when you realize your wrong, just can't say you're sorry.

Sometimes you can't help but believe what your parents believed, even though you hate your parents and can't wait til you're 18!!


You're struggling with your weight and no one wants to sit by you at lunch.


If you survive your youth, I promise you'll be cool. Middle school is the hardest part of life.

Caution

Use caution when removing from microwave as product may be hot.


MAY be hot....


It had damn well better be!

Saint Boniface

When you move to an apartment that overlooks a cemetery, you think about the morbidity. You maybe joke about having to hold your breath in the living room.... You think it's cool.




But when you look out the window on a Sunday morning, when the air still holds a bit of a chill.... and you see an old man walking slowly to a stone beneath a tree, it really changes things. And you think about the stories behind each of the stones....

My mind can't help but wonder who gets the most visits, who gets none at all. I wonder what the drive over is like for the visitors. I wonder what the moment they decided to come was like. There are scads of people I'm related to, buried in some form or another, all over the country. I wonder who visits them?


I guess it's not nearly as creepy as it is someone's melancholy morning.

Vei is mir

The Jews didn't kill Jesus. They were like the little girl in the Shake'n'Bake ad. She didn't REALLY help. Her mom made the chicken.

And even if the Jews had put Jesus in the bag all by themselves, shaken him up and baked him for 20 minutes in a 400 degree oven... wasn't that the point?

He had to die to save us from our sins...


So if it weren't for the Jews, mom would have to make chicken the old-fashioned way.


Wait... what were we talking about?